Lately I've been feeling like God hasn't been returning my calls. I need help, I reach out to Him, and it seems I am just getting His answering machine again and again. I don't understand what's going on. (Maybe He texts these days and doesn't take personal calls?? Maybe He uses Skype?) It's frustrating, and sometimes I feel like He has abandoned me. I feel like David when he says, "How long, O Lord? Will you forget me for ever? How long will you hide your face from me?" (Ps. 13:1). Where is He sometimes??!
It's not like I need Him to answer "Yes" to every question I ask Him. I don't want to be a spoiled kid who gets everything I ask for; mainly because God is smarter than I am and I trust His judgment and His course of action. I know that everything is in His control and that He has knowledge about things that I don't, and couldn't, have. That's okay. The problem I'm having is when He doesn't seem to answer at all. I ask Him questions, and He just doesn't answer, not in the affirmative or in the negative. It's hard to feel like He just doesn't have time to give me an answer. It's hard to feel like he He created me, put me in the world, country, city, family, job, house, situation that I am in, and then just left me to figure things out on my own. If He is indeed my Father, that would make me His daughter, and sometimes children have questions that they need their parents to answer! I feel like saying sometimes, "Don't just leave me hanging here! I know You know the answer! I know You could put my mind at ease in half a second!"
But I obviously don't know all the answers, and thus, I don't know why it sometimes seems like He's distant. He's probably not; I'm guessing it's just my perception or just the fact that I am distancing myself from Him, not the other way around. I just don't know.
During these times of frustration or seeming distance from God, I find it helpful to remember the instances in my life where God felt really present... Times where I could feel Him next to me, in the same room, closer than my breath. And I've saved these moments in a special file in my brain, to recall when I need them the most. This file is my "God Bank." I save up these God-filled moments for a rainy day, for when I really need that extra encouragement, that extra sense of His presence. When I feel lost or sad or hopeless and can't seem to get an answer from God, I go to the God Bank and make a withdrawal. Sometimes I even take out more than I actually have in the bank; but the good thing about the God Bank is that there are no overdraft fees. I am not going to get penalized for taking out a little extra faith or hope that I need to get through the day. Sometimes, on the particularly frustrating days, I feel like my relationship with God can be summed up with the following statement: "Fake it 'til you make it." Sometimes I just don't have the faith that I think I should have, or that I know I would have if things were just a little bit easier. But again, knowing that I don't know everything, I put the trust that I do have in God on the table, and fake the rest of it until it's there in earnest.
I can't count the number of times I've been given a great sum of God money that I then go and deposit at the God Bank. There have been so many days in my life, decades' worth of days, where I have been a millionaire - - heck, a billionaire, a gazillionaire - - with God currency. These were the days when I really felt God was there, protecting me, loving me, hanging out with me like a friend. These have been the great "paydays" of my life.
I have been so blessed... I think about the day my little sister was born. My family. The day I met my Persian friends. The day I started working at Hopelink and the shower of blessings that that connection brought to my life, in terms of people and friendships and experiences. Vinnie. My wonderful, amazing, funny, adorable, life-changing friends. The days when I feel really low, and suddenly get 3 unexpected phone calls from friends, a card in the mail, and a package on my doorstep. THIS IS NOT JUST A COINCIDENCE. This is God. This is God's presence and love and protection in my life. The teachers in my life that have been my mentors, my support system, my friends. My church, and the churches that I visit from time to time. The people in those churches. Nature. Animals. Clouds. Sunsets and sunrises. Ice cream. A friend's laughter. The days I suddenly feel a sense of comfort and peace that can only be explained by God's presence. These are the big paydays, and I am so grateful to be able to tuck these experiences away and be able to access them whenever I want to.
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